This can be Number 1 in a series of posts advising American visitors to Sussex where to visit, or avoid.
I can’t imagine that Dick and Dave will be able to contain their joy when they enter the Squirrel, on the western outskirts of Battle, to be handed a John Denver LP. Or if you’re really lucky, a James Last.
On closer inspection you’ll discover this is the “menu“, not an addition to your vinyl collection, and you’ll realise you’ve been asked those magic words “Will you be dining with us?”.
Your call. It’s a standard menu of pub food that looks a bit less pretentious than the norm, including a steak suet pudding. On slates.
What’s wrong with plates ?
The skillet below contained the veggie fajita, with soggy fries and a salad that slipped off it’s plate. Shoulda hadda burger.
Choosing a beer is made more entertaining by the absence of proper pump clips.
What’s wrong with pump clips ?
You’ll be fine as long as you can read. As you can see, the jam jars do an essential job of distinguishing between the different colours and flavours of the beer.
I had a half of the Conquest, which was undrinkable. Returning it, I quietly suggested it might be the end of the barrel.
“Yeah, it probably is”
As Dick and Dave will know, in England it’s the customer’s job to ensure the beer is OK. Three people were called to assess the problem, before I ended up with a half of Harveys, which was little better (NBSS 2.5)
A visitor to this busy eating pub on a sunny Friday in May would conclude
a) The beer on handpumps is always warm.
b) Beers you haven’t heard of, including Harveys, should be avoided at all costs.
c) Beer comes in stem glasses, salt and pepper in handle jars.
What’s wrong with straight glasses ?
They didn’t do Guinness or Carling either apparently, which led the Aussie barmaid to offer samples of their alternative stout (Black Cab ?), and Peroni, possibly a first.
Signs proclaimed “Craft beer of the day” (Yardbird) and an upcoming Greene King Beer Fest featuring beers from Greene King. Dick & Dave may even catch it.
Those barmaids are the strongpoint of the pub, whose six staff asked me on three separate occasions whether I was OK. “Awesome” “Cool” etc. etc.
From my posing table hell I was well placed to have old people bump into me at regular intervals, and observe the hell that is polite society in all its glory. Two ladies who lunch extolled the virtues of Bastille Day, and their Brittany gite. Mrs RM will know how uncomfortable I would have been in this company.
“What’s the pie of the day”
“It’s chicken and mushroom, but I can’t tell you anymore than that”
“OK, I’ll have something else“.
Battle, of course, is known for it’s history, here commemorated with some pictures of Hitler on the dining room walls. I’m not making this up.
I hope this hasn’t mucked up Dick and Dave’s itinerary completely.
retiredmartin 
We’ll make sure to get there. Not for dinner. Just drinks. The funniest part of the samples is they are essentially the same color. They tell the viewer nothing. Pretty amazing. So which one is the stout?
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Good. The similarity of the jam jars was my point. The Stout was keg so no jam jar !
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LOL. I was for emphasis😄
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I think I’d sooner be locked in the Bastille than locked in said pub.
Not only is replacing the presumably provided handpump with a small blackboard pointless, but many of the small blackboards are suffering from missing apostrophes. They are also missing the letters ‘ABV’ after the percentages – assuming that is what the percentages are. They could be the percentage of beer that is actually leprechaun blood for all the information that is provided.
We are in England. We should eat chips. We are not in Belgium or France, therefore we should not routinely eat fries. I suppose Battle is so southern that it’s practically French.
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More things I missed Tom. Well spotted.
The chips were atrocious.
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All that is wrong with the new “improved ” English pub is contained herein.
It sounds ghastly beyond belief and reads like a parody. Sadly it rings all too true.
At least the barmaids asked if you were all right, no doubt concerned by the bemused look on your boat.
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The staff were charming. A lot of them, clustering around the handpumps, bumping into each other, and getting in my personal space, but that may have been me.
It was doing good business. If the beer had been good (and they had two shots), I’d have survived.
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I hate being predictable….but was this venue with multiple beers in atrocious condition a GBG pub?
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Of course. Only reason I was there. And the occasional duff pint happens, even in the Coopers I’ll wager, but two, no
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I had two duff halves in a multi CAMRA award winning GBG pub on Saturday. Landlord wasn’t interested. Local branch informed but seems like I’m the only one who ever has a problem there (not the first time).
But of course, the quality of the beer is proportional to the number of handpumps and the likelihood you’ve never heard of any of them.
Oh, and those jam jars are hilarious. Just what is the point when they’re all the same colour!?
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I always thought the jars with different beers in them was a nice touch and gave me an indication as to what colour the beer was,so if i wanted a dark beer or light beer i knew which one to choose,not all pump clips give an indication as to what type of beer is on the bar.
Milestones new pump clips that are appearing in lots of Wetherspoons give hardly any clue as to what they are,i would have no problem if it said Bitter,MIld or stout,but they dont.
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Of course you’re right, Alan, but I think the only acceptable beer names are Bitter, Mild, Bass and Plum Porter.
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