July 2026. Kelham. Sheffield.
I know jealousy is a terrible thing, but I really am jealous of Simon’s frenetic progress towards completion of the Beer Guide. It’s not always fun, and BRAPA has the really scary stuff still to come (probably in a boat in a storm near Sark), but nothing gives you that adrenaline rush you get as the end comes into view and you will yourself to catch a 4am train to Maidenhead one last time.
I’m not chasing, I’m waiting, but it doesn’t take much to get me away from the house.
“I’m in Kelham, do you want to come down and meet me ?” says Mrs RM, who’s had a consultation in Burton Road.
“I thought we (you) weren’t drinking today ?“.
“Oh yeah, don’t worry, I’m fine“.
When a woman says “I’m fine” you know you have to dash. In this case to Neepsend Social Club, where Mrs RM is nursing a half (I know) of Jaipur, deep in thought.
The Social Club was one of the raft of new bars popping up around Kelham after COVID, the sort of place you expect in Hackney with orange bench seats and darts and ironic 1980s beer mats.
I’d been in four times in four years, seen it add a handpump, and wondered when it was busy outside quiz nights.
Well, ticking over with young blokes playing pool and women enjoying the beer garden that is a trestle table facing Burton Road, and a very Sheffield line-up.
Notably, there’s a decent low ABV range in the fridge, too.
Do those mini Ploughmans really need to be refrigerated ?
I’m yet to be convinced by alcohol free beer, Erdinger apart, though the Abbeydale is a decent effort. Give me cask at 2.8% like Brew Dog did once and see how that tastes.
One more thing; they had flumps for a quid. Who remembers flumps ?
retiredmartin 
2.5% – 3% cask beers are a great idea, especially for summers like these. AI tells me that the tipping point for hydration/dehydration is around 4%, and that beers under 2% are about as hydrating as water.
By definition, there’s no such thing as alcohol-free beer in any case, and one’s sense of taste verifies this.
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Yes, Brewdog Nanny State on handpull 2.8% wasn’t bad, before they converted it to an alcohol free in cans. Brakspear did a very drinkable 2.5% back in the day.
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I don’t know who Inch’s are but they seem to have cornered the summer drinks market, along with Staropramen.
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Flumps! Yes. Lovely things. Although they throw up a weird memory. I was not allowed to have my ears pierced when everyone else at school was. A friend used to say my untouched earlobes felt like these soft sweets. Often she would come over, proclaim “Feel the Flumps!” and I would have to patiently sit there and have the rear of my earlobes gently stroked.
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Good grief. That’s the sort of childhood trauma that stays with you.
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