If ever there was a post produced without enthusiasm, this is it. Blame Tom Irvin. You’re not even getting a map extract.
This is the “Contractual Obligation” of blogging, and anyone who knows their Python will know that LP contains the underrated “All Things Dull and Ugly“, which sums up the subject of this piece.
Ember Inns is the Mitchell & Butler brand designed for people who don’t like pubs, but do like their cheap eateries to be identical.
There’s about 150 of them, and they pop up with relentless monotony on my Beer Guide travels, providing no local character or characters.
This one could be anywhere. Mind you, Camberley could be anywhere.
Wetherspoon get slated for their formula, but it’s not just Spoons buildings that vary in size and shape. A Spoons is as likely to attract professional drunks as free-range children, both in short supply in Ember’s monochrome world.
At 5 o’clock, the Crabtree, a mile from Frimley Green and Camberley central, could offer nothing more exciting for the pub blogger than three identically dressed painters drinking Stella at an identical rate, a bloke talking at his wife about gherkins, and a youth sprawled out vertically on that hateful sofa (above).
Ember thrives in the suburbs of the Home Counties and Birmingham, where competition is limited. When I first saw them in Selly Oak fifteen years ago they looked quite smart, but like Chef & Brewer they’ve homogenised and cheapened menus since then. They were proudly adult-only at the start, but dropped that to compete with Marstons.
And however much the Spoons beer range has slipped back in the last decade, it will never be as dull as this typical range;
The beer quality, at least, is often OK (see Caversham and Lickey), so I’ve no problem with their GBG presence at all. It was unusual that the Pride wasn’t drinking well here, but even at £2.05 a half, I hadn’t the energy for an argument about a replacement. No-one else was drinking the cask.
They didn’t even have the chip tanks with squid I raved about in the Lickey Hills.
The only think positive I have to say about Maidenhead is that it’s resisted the urge to have an Ember so far. Think how horrific a Maidenhead Ember Inn could be.
NB I’ve actually stayed in Camberley Travelodge twice, for reasons long forgotten. It’s a pleasant, functional town in the same manner as Scunthorpe, but only the Spoons has made the Beer Guide recently.
Can I stop now?
retiredmartin 
I was feeling sorry for you by the end of this one. And you have the best retirement ever.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well put.
LikeLike
Still got this one to do (maybe next week)- brimming with anticipation already!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe combine it with a trip to Gravity Force Trampoline Park to make a day of it ? Or a tour of Fleet Services ?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Embers have their place in the world – namely to keep “Ember-type” customers away from me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought you’d been in one voluntarily Matthew ! Are they that much cheaper in Preston.
LikeLike
It looks smart enough to me and Purity UBU is a drink i like,so i would be happy enough having a drink in there while on a pub crawl.
I did a pub crawl round Bristol on Saturday and just pick areas with lots of pubs no street viewing,i ended up in what must be one of Bristol’s rougher areas,Easton,lots of rastas hanging about outside pubs and Jamaican flags and maps inside them,one pub i went in had reopened after being shut by the police for two shootings and a stabbing.
Where would you rather drink Martin in a keg rough hole like i went in or a smart Ember Inn in Camberley,i must admit i did enjoy doing the pub,it brought back memories of doing pubs in Harpurhey and Collyhurst that have now long gone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A rough keg pub every time, Alan, particularly in Easton. Look forward to the write-up !
LikeLike
I seem to be two months behind in my reviews on Pubs Galore at the moment,but i will also blog on it as Easton and Redland were a lot more down to earth that other areas i have done in Bristol recently.
LikeLike
Just testing to see if I can reply on your blog rather than twitter -just ignore me
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yay -it works !
LikeLiked by 1 person
All comments welcome, but comments from Greenland especially welcome.
LikeLike
It works. Please do not swear. I know what you Yorkies are like !
LikeLike
Did you know that Camberley was renamed from “Cambridgetown” to avoid confusion? A fact rather laboured by Piggy in “Lord of the Flies”, which contributed to his death 😮
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good grief. No, I didn’t.
Never read Lord of the Flies. Should I ?
LikeLike
I plead guilty to encouraging publication of this article and I am not remorseful in the least.
I think when BRAPA comes to Grimsby and surrounding villages I will guide towards at least one Ember as a pre-emptive. I had no idea there were 150 of the bloody things, I thought there were only about 20. I shall go to bed tonight thinking of that terrifying thought. At least it will be better than having nightmares about David Lloyd.
LikeLiked by 1 person