retiredmartin

December 2023. Eye Kettleby. Melton Mowbray.

Excitingly, tonight sees the return of the famous Philip (one “l”) Navigator atlas, the one I’d been pinking for 25 years before I got a bit bored during lockdown, or perhaps there was a shortage of Stabilo Boss or something.

So that page (153 ?) housing Melton Mowbray may not be completely up to date, but I’m sure I’d never been to Eye Kettleby. And nor have you.

In fact, the only folk who go there are blokes with fishing rods and caravanners who come for the tribute acts.

It’s an upmarket touring park with security barriers at the entrance and I can’t wait for Simon to come here after dark, get lost between New and Old Guadalope and fall in Lake no. 4, all for our enjoyment.

What a crazy Beer Guide is GBG24, full of unashamed one pump scruffy boozers and family brewer roadhouses and oddities like The Lakes.

I’m sure it opens at 8:30am, in fact I’d phoned a nice man to check that, so it was disappointing to not get there till 1pm, and the early signs weren’t encouraging, despite hearing Macca’s “Wonderful Christmastime” waiting to not be seated.

But the staff were quite wonderfully cheerful after I made it clear I wouldn’t be clogging up the dining tables with my Doom Bar.

“You so predictable, Retired Martin”.

I know, but peering over the pumps revealed the Doom had been pulled at least once, and who on earth orders a beer called “Langton Widebeam“. You know where you are with a beer called Doom Bar.

“Have you tried them ?” asked the Thai (I think) barmaid, agog at the sight of a non-diner.

“Many times. I am the UK authority on the nation’s top beer“.

But she meant the scratchings.

“Enjoy them, my lovely“. Awwww.

Well, the beer was over-chilled but I’m liking this trend of artisan scratchings with a little pot of chilli jam. Cheaper than a £15 meal, more than a packet of Pipers, 5x your daily calorie allowance.

Having told you it felt all set for foodies, I then a lass and lad playing pool in the corner,

and a cosy area where anyone can sit. It’s not Holt styling, but…

All very chintzy, it reminded me a bit of the chalet in this classic video;

and if that’s ruined your Whamageddon then I’m sorry*.

*Not sorry