THE TICKING AND THE DAMAGE DONE

Pubmeister, the only man to have completed a CURRENT (as opposed to 1987) Good Beer Guide has been clamouring to see my ticking spreadsheets.

His own records of completion are kept on papyrus in the National Archive of Ticking Outputs in Egypt (Bucks).

It’s also where Duncan keeps his secret stash of his favourite beer.

Just for Duncan, here’s the famous spreadsheet for GBG20, boosted by a late burst in Saltash.

GBG20 (five righthand columns) closed for business on the 18th October,when the new Guide “dropped” (ugh). I’ve added the starting GBG21 columns on the left.

In a nutshell, 94% of the GBG complete, 48 counties, and a tantalisingly 269 pubs short of the ultimate prize of 100% completion.

But after cross-checking with the new GBG I saw my progress drop back to 84%, a loss of 418 pubs in year and 713 short of the prize.

Mainly dreadful micros, community-owned gastros and brewery tap rooms kicking out hardworking Proper Pubs run by blokes called Barry.

HOW CROSS-CHECKING WORKS

Since the new Guide arrived I’ve been working out how many pubs I need to tick to complete the GBG, assuming they open and I’m ever allowed to visit them again.

This is your step-by-step guide. You’ll need to buy or steal the GBG first.

  1. Add up the number of pubs in each county in the Guide. The usual 50 in boring Beds, I see.

2. Using your giant spreadsheet, mark up your new GBG to show you which ones you’ve done. I use my unique 3 tick system (reflecting beer quality).

You’ll see the first pub in the Guide, the Albion in Ampthill (one of BRAPA’s first blogs) gained 3 stars decades ago and really deserves a revisit.

Beds is always a doddle; only two new entries for me, which I’d knocked off that first week.

3. Put the number you’ve already visited in the spreadsheet alongside the number for each county, and using a complex math formula (x-y=z) it’ll tell you how many are left to do, and what percentage completion you’re at.

So, two in Beds, and seven hundred and thirteen (713) for the UK. That’s what’s a called “a declaration“. 713 is about 2 pubs a day, which would be fine if they were open.

4. It took about 5 days to “declare”; it’s taken a month to colour in the Guide. But I’m sure you’ll agree it’s worth it.

Every entry you’ve done is pinked (NOT greened), the pubs still to visit circled, the map filled in. This is what Lockdowns were invented for.

Then you read BRAPA in Essex (88 Volumes) and you notice a pub called “Mile and a Third” in Westcliff that you carelessly seem to have missed in your rushed attempt to declare first.

Bit like developing a vaccine for Covid but forgetting to make one for stupidity at the same time so folk don’t take it and hence pubs never re-open, I guess.

So, that fully coloured Essex map is a lie. Fortunately, the growing collective of Guide tickers provides a lot of challenge and these errors tend to get picked up soon enough.

But someone really ought to go through Duncan’s papyrus scrolls again and see whether he got The Mitre mixed up with Ye Olde Mitre back in 1987.

21 thoughts on “THE TICKING AND THE DAMAGE DONE

  1. Martin,

    “Beds is always a doddle; only two new entries” – that’s the local ‘activists’, too much time in beds, not enough time checking pubs.

    Thinking ahead towards Scottish independence might you quite easily achieve a 100% target for just England and Wales ?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I was very close to 100% for England, Paul, another couple of weeks in Cumbria and the South-West would have finished it. South and West Wales has more entries in the GBG than you’d believe !

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  2. I hope when I complete in the year 2043, I have a photo and a 58,000,000 word count to act as my official verification.

    Glad I assisted with Mile and a Third.

    This was the best and most honest assessment of the cross-ticking time of year yet.

    Si

    #KeepitGreenSince2014

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Honest” ? I mucked up there then.

      My money is on you completing a bit earlier than 2043, though I’ve always targeted the age of 62 for some reason and you’re doing it the Only True Way (i.e. pints). Might only be a dozen pubs left then, all run by celebrity chefs in Bucks.

      NB I think you’ll find your last post was 58 million words alone. Or perhaps I’m a slow reader.

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  3. The statistics parts are the best bit, especially as the upper floor, the one with the GBG of my local library has been closed since March, indeed the whole place got closed when the pubs closed again. I assume that it will reopen as a Weatherspoons.

    Has anybody on the planet ever heard of Slip End before now?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “His own records of completion are kept on papyrus in the National Archive of Ticking Outputs in Egypt (Bucks).”

    Oooh. Right beside the records of Hammurabi I’ll bet!

    *looks down at OS map below*

    (slow golf clap) 🙂

    “I’ve added the starting GBG21 columns on the left.”

    Ones in the (current) guide, that you’d visited in previous years, count as a tick already, right?

    “I saw my progress drop back to 84%, a loss of 418 pubs in year and 713 short of the prize.”

    Ugh.

    “Mainly dreadful micros, community-owned gastros and brewery tap rooms kicking out hardworking Proper Pubs run by blokes called Barry.”

    Ugh!

    “Beds is always a doddle; only two new entries for me, which I’d knocked off that first week.”

    Ah. Ignore my comment above with regards to counting as a tick.

    “and what percentage completion you’re at.”

    More than just adding and subtracting there. 😉

    “Every entry you’ve done is pinked (NOT greened)”

    Do pub tickers have to register their preferred colour with some sort of Guild in order to avoid overlap or confusion?

    “Then you read BRAPA in Essex (88 Volumes) and you notice a pub called “Mile and a Third” in Westcliff that you carelessly seem to have missed in your rushed attempt to declare first.”

    (guffaw)

    “Bit like developing a vaccine for Covid but forgetting to make one for stupidity at the same time so folk don’t take it and hence pubs never re-open, I guess.”

    Not touching that one at the present time! 🙂

    “But someone really ought to go through Duncan’s papyrus scrolls again and see whether he got The Mitre mixed up with Ye Olde Mitre back in 1987.”

    Yep. I think that’s partly why they are housed in Egypt. If anyone complains then Duncan’s on solid ground to let them know that… E gipped them! 🙂

    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s the worst pun of the month. But also, the best.

      I get asked that question “Do you have to do all 4,500 odd pubs in the same year or do you not have to do ones you’ve done before ?” a lot. Think how many pints a week that would be ! (about a hundred allowing 7 weeks for holidays, illness and time spent choosing a new mascot).

      Yes, you have to register your marker in September and you can’t change it during the season. Like Formula 1.

      Like

      1. *luxuriates in his best/worst pun*

        And if I’d stopped to think, it would have been obvious that previous pubs still in the GBG wouldn’t have to be done again! (blush)

        Cheers

        Liked by 1 person

      2. What you will see is that Simon, Duncan and myself will occasionally revisit a pub we last used a decade or two again, for sentimental reasons.

        I’m quite likely to add a pub I really liked, or really loathed, on to the end of a crawl of new Beer Guide pubs.

        Examples would be the Harp in London this week (first visit in 10 years) and Chequers in Grantham, much better than on a first visit.

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