MAKING SENSE OF THE NEW NATIONAL BEER SCORING SYSTEM

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Back home from Hackney on Sunday at midnight, then straight off to Scotland, or Alba as the locals call it.

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5hrs 30 now the A1 at Catterick is sorted

Mrs RM gets it easy, she really does.  All she does is enjoy my flawless driving while taking conference calls, and then get shouted out by Scots with IT problems for five days while I slog my guts out exploring the Beer Guide pubs using ScotRail off-peak fares.

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Mrs RM’s place of gainful employment

All I ask is that she drives me to the irritating ones in the middle of nowhere. Like this one (report to follow).

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I’ve finally got around to reading the resolutions at the CAMRA AGM.  In fact I’ve got them as an audio book for the car.  The proposed changes to the National Beer Scoring System go a long way to clearing up the confusion caused by letting idiots score beer.

NATIONAL BEER SCORES SYSTEM – PROPOSAL

0     Doom Bar

0.5  No real ale from LocAle breweries available

1.0  Pub refuses to provide sausage rolls at CAMRA meeting

1.5  Beer in pubs not offering CAMRA discount

1.999 Retired in memory of the 1999 Good Beer Guide

2.0  Minimum standard for inclusion in the Beer Guide (Channel Islands)

2.5  Beer in any pub displaying a “Cask Marque” sticker

3.0  Minimum standard for inclusion in the Beer Guide (England & Wales)

3.5  Weird beer made with ingredients last seen in the Sorcerers Apprentice

4.0 Beer you drink more than four pints of in same session

4.5  Any beer made under a railway arch by blokes or ladies “fighting the man“

5.0  Abbot in an Essex pub where the regulars are all called Steve

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION

Beer in Scotland isn’t actually scored, of course.  The mere existence of real ale (during haggis picking season) is sufficient for Beer Guide inclusion.

In fact, mirroring BREXIT,  Scotland has already has its own blue sticker system in pub windows.

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I haven’t got to the technical annexes yet, but I’m guessing that there’ll be a separate scoring system for the “New Quality Beers” like the one below, now officially endorsed by at least one leading CAMRA branch chair.

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Just to be on the safe side, before we crossed the border we stocked up on some emergency supplies from ASDA. One of them is CRAFT, folks.

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Published by retiredmartin

Retired NHS, doing long walks around UK and the world to record the great bits. Focused on Good Beer Guide pubs and live music.

45 thoughts on “MAKING SENSE OF THE NEW NATIONAL BEER SCORING SYSTEM”

    2. As you know, I’m not averse to the occasional PBA, but the bottled Bass really is disappointing. Brewed by ABInBev at Samlesbury, of course.

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      3. “I have to say…apart from the price…it’s not a patch on the stuff in the barrels”

        I bit like how I feel about Guinness then. 😉

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  2. I’ve never been to a CAMRA meeting where sausage rolls were provided. On that basis I have submitted an amendment to this resolution that substitutes ‘Pub refuses to provide sausage rolls at CAMRA meeting’ wIth ‘Pub only serves Marstons brands ( includes Bass)’,.

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      3. I’ve heard that Mudgie will not be allowed to speak at conference. Although he has the support of more than 0.00001% of the membership and has submitted his resolution in triplicate, twice, to his branch, regional coordinator and NE. He has failed to correctly term his resolution, calling it a special resolution, when it should actually be an amended special resolution to the special resolution amended by the former special resolution to the resolution of the articles.

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    2. The Scottish scoring system is actually based on the freshness of the complimentary haggis provided at CAMRA meetings. Those caught on a local mountainside are top-rated and go forward in the Scottish pub of the year competition.
      It is acceptable out of season to substitute pork pies made from the neighbourhood pub bore.

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      1. A new system of pub scoring is under development. Points are awarded for features such as mobility scooters, pub cats, outside toilets, redundant bell-pushes, Bass memorabilia, hacking codgers, incomprehensible banter and Jethro Tull on the jukebox 😛

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      5. There was the AGM motion from years ago that empowered the NE to commission a calendar of themselves in a similar vein to the WI nude one.
        Certain NE “members” modesty hidden by a strategically positioned handpump doesn’t bear thinking about.

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      7. Yes, let’s have an indepth discussion on the history of the Highland Light Infantry during a conference debate. I think he was on the CPC (chair?) at one point, and he had something to do with cider.
        I’ve been in his house, that was an experience.
        There were at least 2 Al Boyds active in CAMRA for a while, which I believe was quite confusing.

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      8. Yes, Alistair Boyd ( with two ‘I’s and one ‘A’ ), that fine figure of a man, was on the NE from 1993 to 1996.
        Actually with his beer gut extending downwards, after it had extended outwards, a full frontal photograph of him might actually be ‘decent’!

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    1. It’s all in how fast they can move around the mountain before you catch them. If they can’t manage to get past you at least twice before they fall over then they aren’t ready yet.
      If they can’t manage it once then they are too far gone, but are known to be used by Pechs as bait when going Nessie fishing. When the haggis are out of season then Boobries are an acceptable replacement.

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  5. I’ll vote for that new scoring system…

    If it gets passed (which I’m sure it will) it will mean that there will be many pubs in Hampshire (if not the World) with ‘0’ beer scores…:0

    I don’t know about quality beer but that that Tennents keg monument is obviously a top quality re-cycled pop bottle with a ’T’ glued on top – top points for Tennents in supporting the move to reduce plastic waste…

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  6. “I haven’t got to the technical annexes yet, but I’m guessing that there’ll be a separate scoring system for the “New Quality Beers” like the one below, now officially endorsed by at least one leading CAMRA branch chair”.
    Can we have a name please ?
    Are you referring to the Chair known as Tandleman ?

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  7. “In fact, mirroring BREXIT, Scotland has already has its own blue sticker system in pub windows.”

    Well, obviously. I mean, Scotland is trying to do to the UK what the UK is trying to do to the EU. 😉

    Oh, and I’m not falling for anything in this post. I can see what bloody day it is. 🙂

    Cheers

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